A GLIMPSE OF PARADISE
Joy’s sister was seventeen when she arrived in town. She had reddish-brown hair, and she was even more beautiful than Joy. She reminded me of Leticia. She was very friendly and effusive, and she seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.
Sadie was full of joy. Joy was a more proper name for her.
Joy and I decided to let her work with us. I didn’t know what to expect with the new situation. I might turn Joy loose and try my luck with my new ‘Lolita’.
Two weeks later, she was enjoying Mexican folklore. We heard Mexican music all day; I figured she’ll be singing mariachi songs soon. Joy warned me to stay away from her. I didn’t know if that could be possible. It was up to Sadie.
If Joy thought I could break Sadie’s heart, she was wrong. It had always been the opposite.
I wondered if my thirst to kill had been satisfied. Nobody was tormenting me anymore. But after watching that movie with Joy, I thought I still had so much to learn about myself.
I got a ticket for driving drunk. I deserved it. The judge suspended my driver’s license for six months, and I had to go to AA meetings for six months. Alcohol had been my best friend for the last few months. Since Joy and I started going out to bars, I felt a lot less inhibited or introverted. Alcohol helped me get rid of my insecurities, at least temporarily. Most people hadn’t touched alcohol in years, and still, they kept coming. Some of them went to the podium and openly told stories about their lives. The Court sent most of them for alcohol, drug, or traffic violations. I hardly saw any wealthy people in those places. It appeared that rich people didn’t commit those kinds of infractions.
Most of them were male, half of them had tattoos. Many of them looked like hippies or Vietnam veterans. I didn’t belong there. I felt out of place. But probably most of them felt the same way.
I didn’t miss driving my car at all. When I was a teenager, I preferred walking to riding the bus. Besides, Joy could be my driver, and Sadie was taking driving lessons.
After one of the meetings, while walking back home, I began to think about finding a rich person to kill, a wealthy female lawyer, or a successful doctor. Then, I wondered if there were any stupid doctors. I also wondered how it felt to kill a person with power. But I’ve never seen a person that fitted that description in this part of town.
My last victim was Fredo, and since then, things have been tedious. I see everyone on the streets as a potential victim, the Mexican selling corn on the cob, the black homeless man pushing a cart with aluminum cans and bottles. The middle-aged woman, crossing the street, coming from work, or going to the market. But I didn’t see them as a great source of excitement.
Then, I saw a woman waiting at the bus stop. She appeared to be a streetwalker taking a break or looking for someone to hook. She smiled at me when I sat next to her. When she asked me if I was looking for a good time, I knew the drought was over. She was in her thirties. She had no distinctive attributes.
She gave me her rates: forty and sixty. I offered her a hundred dollars but told her she had to be blindfolded while we did it. She accepted.
Then, we headed for my butcher shop or chamber of torture and terrors. We quietly went in through the side gate. I didn’t want to disturb grandma.
It was very convenient when they volunteered, less of a hustle, less of a struggle.
She followed my instructions, “Get naked, sit on the stool, cover your eyes with a soft cleaning rag, and don’t move”. I got an immediate erection, but I didn’t want to have sex with her. I just wanted to get my beautiful sharp machete and sliced her neck with it.
It must be kind of nice to have your life disappear in an instant, without even the slightest warning. Just cut all your veins, nerves, muscles, and all of your senses. Cut your goals and ambitions. Just cease to exist in a second, just like that. Some people believe that the moment you die, you appear in front of God. If that’s the case then, it’s not a bad deal.
Oblivious of my beautiful machete, her head fell to the floor. She didn’t suffer at all. Both of us were happy. My orgasm lasted until I cut the last piece of her body. I loved blood, warm, red blood. I was the master of the universe in my butcher shop, surrounded by blood.
The large glass windows in front of the shop had double blinds. Horizontal inside the window frame and vertical blinds from floor to ceiling, sealed and secured. No one could peek from outside. That was my world and my kingdom.
Then, I felt a little remorseful because I forgot to ask what her name was. How could I be so disrespectful?
I was getting good at flipping hamburgers by then. I’d bought a large barbecue grill, and I had a giant icebox full of soft drinks. My derelict friends in the park were showing me great appreciation and respect.
My heart jumped full of joy when I saw Sadie crossing the street to get hamburgers for her and Joy. She looked radiantly gorgeous. She sure was getting lovelier each passing day. I felt a little bad giving Joy and Sadie burgers with this kind of meat, but I had no reason to decline.
That night, I served another feast for Grandma. The same dish I prepared with Leticia’s breasts. But on that occasion, the breasts were C or D, or I don’t know what size, but they were bigger. Grandma had a big smile when I put her plate on the table. She asked me who they belonged to, a girl with no name”, I said.
Then we proceeded to enjoy our meal on our table for three.
When we finished, Grandma kissed me and went to bed. After I cleaned the table, I put the head in a big kettle on the stove to boil it. I planned to use the skull as a piggy bank. I thought I’d put it on the nightstand next to my bed. The first deposit was a hundred-dollar bill.
The decreasing level of shyness in my personality was due to recent changes in the way I carried my new life. Going out drinking, socializing with people in the AA group, and just plain and simple being around Joy.
I began to open up to new trends in fashion and attitude; I even bought a pair of diamond ear studs and put one of them on my left ear. I figured if I didn’t like how it looked, I wouldn’t wear it. I gave the other one to Sadie for her birthday. Joy gave me a look of disapproval. I told Joy that it didn’t mean anything and that I didn’t know what to do with the extra one.
Sadie was in seventh heaven and caught me by surprise when she kissed me on the lips in front of Joy.
What happened with Leticia was happening again with Sadie. Her constant proximity was a superhuman temptation.
When I was in High School, I fell in love many times, and with so many girls, I had many romances of unrequited love. I was sure they never knew I existed. I wrote poems I never delivered for my exaggerated fear of rejection. I wasn’t ugly, but I was always anticipating rejection.
It was my fault. The refusal I felt provoked my mind to remain stuck in those years. That’s probably the reason I only had eyes for teenage girls.
I found that old saying, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”, simple and stupid, but at the same time, I thought it was profound and true.
Sadie was my cake. I wanted to have her and eat her too. I wished to protect her and love her forever. She was vulnerable and innocent. I wished I never needed to cause her harm. In my eyes, she was perfect, but I was worried that if I got too close to her, I could ruin her.
I wrote a poem for her, but later, I thought I would never give it to her. Because I believed it was a little too silly, and she could laugh at me. And that could bring tragic consequences.
One day, I sent Joy to the bank to deposit the weekly sales to have some time alone with Sadie.
“You look cool and handsome with your new earring, Angel,” Sadie said right after Joy left.
“Well, you look like an angel with yours, but you don’t need a thing to look like the most amazing creature in the world. Maybe I shouldn’t give you any compliments; after all, you’re too young for me.”
I remembered I said those words to someone else before.
“Only one more year, and then I can do whatever I want. Joy says that you look at me behind my back ‘with lustful desires.’ I know all relationships start as friends. We can be friends for a while, and after that, who knows.”
“Sadie, you’re talking like a femme fatale and not like the seventeen-year-old innocent girl that you are.”
“Ha, I’m not a famine . . . whatever you said. I just want you to take me to the movies or someplace. And you know what? I might not be so innocent after all, last night I had a dream with you. Hmm, I woke up sweating.”
“You’re lovely from every angle. I think you’re great. I wish I was ten years younger, but I don’t wish you to be ten years older, you’re perfect now.”
“When you gave me the earring, and I kissed you, Joy scolded me for an hour. She kept nagging and begging me not to get involved with you, but I know she loves me more than anything in the world. She protects me like a mother, and I adore her, but I know that after a while, she’ll leave us alone.” she said.
Then, I remembered the poem in my pocket, and after hesitating for half a second, I gave it to her. I turned away and began laboring on a large chunk of meat. Right after I gave it to her, I regretted it. I was a hundred percent sure it was so silly, I wanted it back, but it was too late. I swore I wouldn’t kill her if she threw the piece of paper in the trash. “Okay Sadie, ignore it. I don’t want to kill you. Like it or not, don’t say a thing, please.” I thought.
Half my life was filled with emptiness
I kept floating in a dense fog
Empty space suspended in nothingness
Thus, we are the same age
I feel I can touch you, but you are light-years away
Galaxies, your freckles seem to me
My soul, I could sacrifice for a kiss from your celestial lips
Your astral eyes, full of universal happiness fill my vacuous solitude
Your cosmic blue eyes shame the ocean’s blue waters
I want to transfuse your translucent love into my chaotic and confused heart
I want to transform and translate a word:
Into what you are:
Full of beauty.
“How do you tell your heart not to fall in love with a certain person? How do you tell he’s off-limits? My heart has its own mind. And by the way, I’m not light-years away. I’m next to you, and you can love me if you want to. We don’t have to wait for anybody’s permission.” she said, with unexpected maturity after reading my inferior third-class poem.
Sadie looked even more beautiful with water in her eyes.
“I can only tell you one thing, Sadie. If you know nothing about love, I know less. I only ask one thing of you. I beg you that if you start loving me, never stop.”
“I can easily do that. And, oh, your poem is the most beautiful thing I have ever read in my life, Angel.”
A minute later, Joy appeared at the front door and found us working.
I spent all week trying to find an excuse to send Joy away for a few hours, but my mind went blank. Trips to the bank only gave me one hour. The opportunity emerged without premeditation. Somebody invited both of them to camp overnight at Pismo beach, and Sadie declined.
I was experiencing a new sensation.
When I was a teenager, I kept creating scenarios, images, and conversations that never took place in real life. It was all inside my head, but this time, it was real. Sadie was looking at me out of the corner of her eye with a soft and playful smile. It was real.
I had killed six persons in that room, my father, the thief, Ana Suarez, Leticia, Fredo, and the hooker. I killed three of them on the same stool Sadie was sitting in. I truly believed I had two different persons in me. Otherwise, how could I fall in love with an innocent young girl and simultaneously be an insatiable cold murderer?
Could I lead a regular life and be a serial killer at the same time? Could I be a sensitive man and a sadistic killer at the same time?
I could feel the tension in the atmosphere. I was sure Sadie could feel it too. My body trembled inside. That’s what I felt when I saw Leticia standing on the stool. On that occasion, the ambient was purely sexual. This time the combination was perfect: innocent love and lustful desires.
I was aware that a prolonged courtship was unnecessary. It was the beginning and the culmination. The quiet flames were there before the fire started.
After we closed the store, we performed our cleaning chores silently. All excuses had expired; my Scandinavian/Amazon with her flaming reddish hair was approaching me. She looked ultra-sexy without trying to be. I didn’t know what part of me was more excited, my soul, my heart, my mind or . . .
She was wearing a girlie white dress and a blue blouse. She could be in one of those Target fliers advertising teenage clothing. Even in those pages, she would stand out. Her lips looked soft and succulent; her skin was smooth and mild.
When we kissed, we disappeared from this world. I grabbed Sadie by the waist and lifted her to the stool. I removed her dress and underwear, and I embraced her and buried my face in her curly red, pubic hair. Her lower lips were just as sweet. My tongue, like a fish, began to swim in the depths of her red sea. Her juices flowed like lava from a volcano. She raised one leg and wrapped it around my shoulder.
Paradise couldn’t compare to that.
All decisions, failures, and achievements from the day I was born until that day, absolutely everything I did up to that point in my life, led to that moment. My life had just begun.
We spent all night in my room, the same room where I endured countless moments of profound bitterness and intense grief. But with that glorious night, I could erase all my accumulated pain.
Visalia, Ca. 02-06-2012